It's 2am in the morning and I can't sleep. My stomach is turning. I get really bothered around the holidays. It's a REALLY hard time for me. For most kids Cole's age, it's full of fun, excitement and Santa. For Cole, it's just another day of frustration, not being able to talk or communicate, he has no interest in toys (except for a few "infant" toys, but it took a really long time for him to even "like" them), he doesn't get to have a "concept of Santa". I wish he could be excited Christmas morning and run into the family room to see what Santa brought him. It might seem superficial. But it REALLY hurts. Seriously, it's 2 am in the morning and I am crying about my 3 year old not understanding Christmas...and then I start wondering what's wrong with me. I don't like waking up Christmas morning...who doesn't like waking up Christmas morning?!? I wish I could go on vacation to a warm, sunny place this time of year so I could just skip it all...however, that isn't an option since I work in retail and it's the busiest time of year. But, I do have to say how thankful I am, and that I *DID* get the best gift I could POSSIBLY ask for...Cole not seizing. Many parents are still fighting the "fight" year after year for their child. I know some parents haven't been as lucky as we have in that area...and I am humbled by that. Last Christmas that is what I wanted...and yes, I remember that...I distinctly remember last Christmas, saying a prayer...bawling my eyes out, PLEADING with the Lord to let me help Cole and for him to become seizure-free. It's been an amazing & incredible year. I feel really selfish for the way I feel about "Christmas", because how many people get to say that they "witnessed a miracle in their own child". I think it might always hurt every Christmas morning (& the weeks leading up to Christmas) because my mortal mind wants me to "want" Cole to have everything and to succeed in life...and it definitely "puts me in my place". But, I just have to remember that his "succeeding in life" will be different then his peers...and that's ok. I think it might be part of the grieving process...some people think once you've gotten through that part, your good to go. But I am ALWAYS going to want the best for Cole and I will ALWAYS want him to overcome the things that are hard for him to do...and so, it's a lifetime of grieving at every stage, and A LOT of rejoicing of what he overcomes.