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4.17.2010

HOPES & DREAMS...

SOME DAYS IT'S HARD NOT TO GET DEPRESSED WATCHING WHAT COLE HAS TO GO THROUGH ON A DAILY BASIS OR WATCHING KIDS WITH NO DELAYS. AND SOME DAYS I FEEL SELFISH THINKING WHY CAN'T MY KID TALK, WHY CAN'T HE WAVE TO ME OR POINT TO SOMETHING HE WANTS OR WHY CAN'T HE SAY "MAMA"....WILL HE EVER SAY "MAMA" WILL HIS MIND JUST ONE DAY CLICK AND HE'LL START TALKING OR BEING AWARE OF WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HIM?? AND WHY CAN ALL THESE MOMS GIVE HANDFULS OF GOLDFISH TO QUIET THIER KIDS, AND ALL COLE GETS IS HERBAL TEA. WHY DO I LONG FOR THE DAY THAT COLE MAKES A MESS OF HIS TOYS, OR RUNS FROM ME BECUASE IT'S FUNNY OR BEGS ME TO BUY HIM A TOY. BUT...THEN I FORGET THAT IT'S THE "SELFISH" ME THINKING. AND THAT IT DOSN'T MATTER IF HE LEARNS TO TALK OR IF HE COMPREHENDS THE WORLD AROUND HIM. THE THING THAT MATTERS IS THAT HE'S MY SON AND I LOVE HIM EITHER WAY...AND THAT I AM SOOO PRIVILAGED TO BE HIS MOM. IS IT EASY??...NO. BUT, THIS IS HIS TIME ON EARTH TO TOUCH THE LIVES OF PEOPLE AROUND HIM...NAMELY MINE & ADAMS. I AM NOT SURE WHAT I AM SUPPOSE TO LEARN FROM THIS OR WHAT IT IS SUPPOSE TO CHANGE IN ME...AND IT'S OK IF SOME DAYS, ALL I WANT TO DO IS CRY...BUT IT'S TIMES LIKE THIS (RIGHT NOW COLE IS LAUGHING HIS HEAD OFF AT A PILLOW & JUMPING UP & DOWN!) THAT LIFT ME UP & MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THERE IS HOPE & MAYBE...JUST MAYBE...HE WILL BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME, HE WILL BE AWARE OF THINGS AROUND HIM, HE WILL GO TO COLLEGE, ON A MISSION, GET MARRIED...BUT, IF HE DOSN'T DO ANY OF THAT...THAT'S OK TOO.

4 comments:

  1. I know it sounds trite, but I understand. To say things aren't fair for our boys, is an understatement. They are wonderful beyond words and deserve so much more. But we've been gifted with them, and whereas before we may have been exigent parents full of unwitting hubris, we now *fully* understand the meaning of compassion and love. I'd like to believe that I am slowly growing worthy of Bertrand, the wonderful person that he is today, and the beautiful gifts of love and compassion he has given me. I know you feel the same for Cole.

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  2. Oh S, you are not alone! I know it feels like it because no one is going through EXACTLY what you are going through right now. I have had all of these exact feelings. I think we have to all get in that space in our heads and be okay with whatever does happen. But that doesn't mean that we can't continue to want and hope for the best for our little boys. It's so hard to have to struggle every day and get pleasure from the simplest things (like laughing at a pillow). I know that you and A are great parents. Cole is so lucky! We missed you yesterday!

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  3. Hi Sarah,

    As Cristina said, this experience teaches us like no other the meaning of unconditional love. We are forced to throw away our expectations for our babies and just love them because they are ours. But throwing away expectations doesn't mean we throw away hope. I think Cole has vast potential and you will be amazed as time goes on by the things he can do. Hang in there; we're there with you.

    Love,
    Ashley

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  4. This made me cry...
    You are SO special Sarah, seriously you are! You inspire me, and you are such an amazing person. He will do all those things one day, and he will thank you beyond belief for EVERYTHING you have done for him!
    LOVE YOU

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